INT. OFFICE
Open on a typical, drab office filled with cubicles and computers. Darrel, Mike, and Cindy talk around Mike’s cubicle.
DARREL
Today is such a drag, man.
MIKE
Tell me about it, if I have to look at another expense report, I may gouge my eyes out.
DARREL
Sometimes, I daydream that we’re in the Matrix and Morpheus will call my phone to pull me out of here.
CINDY
You guys ever think about just walking out and quitting?
DARREL
Every. Damn. Day.
MIKE
You think I wanted to add and subtract numbers for a living?
CINDY
I always wanted to be a teacher. Not some secretary for a fledgling corporation.
DARREL
I always dreamt of being a cartoonist.
James, the mail clerk, enters. He ecstatically pushes a bin filled with letters and packages. He’s happy to be working.
MIKE
T-squares, Excel spreadsheets, and balancing out numbers. I swear if Keith gives me another account to handle, I will go Postal.
JAMES
Hey-O guys... and lady!
MIKE
Oh, James, hey. I was just saying--
JAMES
That you’d go Postal? Just as I entered the room with your mail?
MIKE
I didn’t mean it like--
JAMES
Like what? That all us mail guys will snap and shoot up the office?
MIKE
No, I didn’t--
JAMES
What, you didn’t think that the stress of mail could lead a man to the edge? You think it’s just letters and packages, and what could possibly be so bad? But then you see you’re on the wrong side of thirty, pushing a cart of papers, and the thought of a gun doesn’t sound so bad.
MIKE
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.
JAMES
Ahh, I’m just playing with you, Mikey. Or am I?
(a beat)
Nah, I’m just messin’.
James forms a pistol with his hand and “shoots” Mike.
MIKE
Ahhh... bang, bang... oh, ahhh... oh, no... ha ha ha.
JAMES
Y’all are popular today! None of the other floors got as much mail as you guys... and girl. Can’t forget you, Cindy.
CINDY
Oh James, you’re too funny!
JAMES
I try, I try.
(a beat)
Let’s see, let’s see. Here we go.
James flips through a stack of mail.
JAMES (CONT’D)
Ooo, ahhh, looks like you got an important package, Mikey. Are these those quarterly reports that I’ve been hearing all about?
MIKE
Oh God, is it that time of year already?
James shuffles his feet and shoots Mike’s package onto his desk with a flick of his wrist.
JAMES
He shoots, he scores!
MIKE
Hey, that could’ve been fragile!
JAMES
Oh let’s not forget about you, Cindy. Looks like you got a Valentine’s Day card. Ooo, you got yourself a sweetheart. Looks like Jimmy is going to get a little something from you tonight!
CINDY
Stop it James, you’re going to make me blush.
JAMES
And Darrel, let’s not forget about you. For the top dog, comes a big log. Go long.
James pump fakes, twists, and turns before he tosses Darrel his package.
JAMES (CONT’D)
Touchdown! Ahhh, the crowd goes wild!
(a beat)
Be careful now, you don’t want to break that new desk lamp of yours.
DARREL
Man, how do you do it, James?
JAMES
Do what?
DARREL
How do you keep your spirits up?
MIKE
Yeah, man, this job sucks!
JAMES
What are you guys talking about? This is the best job I’ve ever had.
DARREL
My old man is always giving me a hard time about not becoming a partner in his firm. Now I’m here just pushing papers.
JAMES
Not my dad, he’s my biggest fan. He loves that I have this job.
MIKE
No offense, but you just deliver mail in a small office building.
JAMES
He’s just so stoked that I can drink on the job!
CINDY
Wait, you can’t drink on the job.
JAMES
Of course you can.
MIKE
Uh, James, I think she’s right.
JAMES
Uh, Mike, I think you’re wrong. Don’t make me go postal on your ass.
(a beat)
Ahhh, I’m just messin’ with you.
DARREL
So, wait, you’re drunk?
JAMES
Uh oh, hands up! Don’t shoot!
(a beat)
What, did you think my dad’s happy that I landed a job as a mail clerk for a company who’s stock is about to tank?
CINDY
Wait, how do you know our company is failing?
JAMES
You guys don’t know? It’s all in Mike’s reports.
MIKE
What do you mean it’s all in my reports?
JAMES
I don’t know any other way I can cut it, Mike. Those reports aren’t good. Sheesh, it’s like I should have a job up here instead of you.
MIKE
You opened up my reports?
JAMES
And when you do, you’ll see what I’m talking about. It’s a real shocker. I know so much more about this company than you guys it’s crazy. You wouldn’t believe the dirt that I got on the guys on the fifth floor. Some real Wolf of Wall Street stuff going on up there.
DARREL
What a sec’, how did you know my package was a desk lamp?
James folds his arms and mimes Jeannie from “I Dream of Jeannie.”
JAMES
C’mon, Darrel, you should have higher priorities than a desk lamp from Ikea. If you did, maybe you’re performance would be better, and you’d be happier at your job.
CINDY
And how do you know my boyfriend’s name is Jimmy? I’ve never...
Cindy looks at her Valentine’s card.
CINDY (CONT’D)
Great! You didn’t even reseal the card.
JAMES
What can I say, I told you I was drunk!
(a beat)
Well, it’s been fun, I’ve got a brick of cocaine that has the fifth floor’s name all over it. Good luck with your shit jobs!
(Out)